~Falling~

He paces around his office his mind going in a thousand different directions. It’s been over a month, well 33 days 12 hrs and 25 seconds to be exact, since she and Matthew boarded a plane for Chicago, and he hasn’t been able to concentrate on a single thing since then.

His office has become a home away from home, the clothes hanging off his coat rack, the empty take out containers, and the five o’clock shadow that has turned to an almost beard, evidence of the fact that he hasn’t been home in a while. Why should he go home, he thinks to himself, there’s nothing there but silence. Even when he turns on the TV or the stereo, the silence wins out.

His officers have been avoiding him when they can, Marcie tip toes in and out of his office, no one wanting to cross his path for fear of losing their head. The seasoned officers’ exchange looks, knowing all too well what the source of his bad mood was, wondering if they’ll be able to dodge the storm until she comes back.

~*~

She’s standing by the window when her daughter walks into the room. She leans against the doorjamb and watches her mother from across the room. She’s been standing by that window, staring out at the park across the street where her son plays with the other children from Rachel’s building, morning after morning for the past three weeks.

She’s been on edge, jumping when a door slams or a car back fires on the street. She refuses to talk about what happened just over a month ago, or why when Matthew talks to Bo there’s a sadness in her eyes; a sadness Rachel’s seen before.

She walks over to where her mother stands and hands her a glass of orange juice, “You need to drink this, mama,” Rachel says over her shoulder, “You haven’t been eating like you should either.”

Nora turns around and lays her hand on her cheek, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m just not that hungry.”

Rachel crosses her arms in front of her and watches her mother leave the room, taking a few sips of the juice before setting it down on the table, then grabbing her jacket and leaving for the park. She shakes her head and picks up the phone, “Nigel, its Rachel Gannon, is Renee there?”

~*~

Marcie looks up from her desk when she hears his door open. She sees the now familiar scowl on his face and takes a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever may come. She releases the breath she was holding when he walks past her desk without a word. She looks over at Michael who’s sitting on the bench waiting for her shift to end and rolls her eyes.

Antonio looks up from his desk just as Marcie and Michael exchange their looks, “Nora better get back here soon,” he says to John, who is sitting across from him, “Or we’re going to be the only two the Commissioner has left.”

John laughs, “I don’t know them like you do but I’ve sensed that there’s been something going on between them for months now.”

Antonio leans back in his chair, “Months…try years.” He says with a smile.

“Well then why…” John notices the look on Antonio’s face and knew Bo was standing behind him. He turns, “Hey boss…”

Bo looks between his two detectives and drops some files on the desk, “We’ve got work to do…let’s get to it.”

John stands up and picks a file up off of the desk. He exchanges a quick look with Antonio before heading to his own office. Antonio picks up one of the other files and sighs deeply before opening the file and propping his feet up on his desk.

~*~

Rachel pushes the curtain back and looks out the window, watching her mom walk across the street and sit down on the bench across from the soccer field that Matthew was playing on. She waits patiently on the other end of the line for Nigel to get Renee. She lets the curtain fall and walks over to the couch. A moment later she hears the phone being picked up, “Rachel…darling what’s wrong?”

Rachel smiles on the other end of the line at the motherly instinct that Renee has always had for them all over the years. Rachel sighs, “It’s mama, Renee; she’s…she’s just so sad, so jumpy and on edge.”

Renee sits down in one of the large chairs in Asa’s study. She leans her head back with a sigh, “Rachel darling, has your mother told you anything at all about what happened just before she and Matthew left for Chicago?”

Rachel shakes her head, “All I know is that after they were trapped together in that meat locker something changed. She barely talks, it’s like she’s just guarding herself.  

“That’s exactly what she’s doing and her running off to Chicago certainly hasn’t helped matters at all…especially not around here.”

Rachel’s brow creases in confusion, “What do you mean…around here?”

“Bo has been storming around the mansion, well when he comes by every couple of days and even then it’s only to sleep. He never goes to his place anymore. He’s either at the office or he’s here, and regardless of where he is he’s miserable. I spent some time at the station a few weeks ago trying to deal with some things for Asa and Bo was in his office tearing the head off of one of his officers. There’s only a few other times I remember him being like this….”

Rachel nods on the other end of the line, “When he was with mama and they would fight or right after every thing fell apart between them.”

“Exactly, and I’ve seen the way they are when they’re together and I tell you one thing, darling, your mom and Bo…their fighting their feelings. They’re fighting them hard and it’s killing them.”

“I remember when she first started having feelings for Bo all those years ago. She was so happy that it scared her…”

“And that’s what she’s afraid of now, darling. She’s afraid to be happy with him again, for fear of losing it. It’s the same for him. They barely survived losing each other the last time.”

“And now there’s Matthew…” Rachel stands up and walks over to the window. She sees them walking across the street; Nora leaning down to say something to Matthew before taking his hand and heading for the waterfront. Rachel continues to watch them as they disappear down the street, “We have to do something Renee…neither one of them can keep going on like this.”

~*~

Nora watches Matthew as he stands on the shoreline, searching for treasures in the sand. She sits down on the sand, the warm summer sun reflecting off Lake Michigan. As she stares ahead her mind drifts back in time…”

“Bo…What if we die? Who’s…what’s going to happen to Matthew?”

“Look, we’re not going to die, okay? We’re not going to die in here…we’re not going to die today.”

“You’re always so confident…so positive. Matthew and I have been very lucky to have you in our lives for the past year in a half…”

“No…I’m the lucky one. I think we…we’ve made a pretty good little family.”

“Yeah…yeah, I don’t know what our life would’ve been like without you. I don’t know what it will be like.”

“You’ll never have to find out.”

“A family,” she thinks to herself. That one word held so many promises from the past. So many promises they never had the opportunity to keep. Matthew’s soft voice forces her back to the present. She looks up into his innocent face, his head tilted to the side, his eyes filled with concern. Just like his father she thinks. She smiles, hoping to erase the concern from his face, “Did you find any treasures, champ?”

Matthew nods and holds out a smooth stone. He hands it to Nora who looks at it and then hands it back to him. He runs his fingers over it and then looks down at her, “I’m going to give it to Dad; maybe he can put it on his desk.”

“I think that’s a great idea. Your dad’s going to love it.”

Matthew nods and then sits down beside her, resting his head on her shoulder, “Mommy…” he says quietly a few minutes later.

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“Why are you so sad?

Nora looks to the side, squeezing her eyes tight as she tries unsuccessfully to keep the tears from forming in her eyes. She leans her head against his and sighs deeply, “Mommy’s just got a lot on her mind, sport. I’m sorry if I’m making you sad too.”

“I hate when you cry, mom.” He lifts his head off her shoulder and looks at her, “I’ve heard you at night, you know.”

Nora reaches down and lays her hand on his cheek, “I’m so sorry, sweetie.” She takes a deep breath and looks down at the stone he’s still holding in his hand, “I don’t want you to worry about me, Matthew. There’s just a lot of grown up stuff I’m trying to work through right now, okay. You just make sure you have fun with your sister and granma and granpa and that’ll make me happy.” Tears begin to well up in Matthew’s eyes. Nora pulls him against her, “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

“I let daddy down.”

She tilts his chin up, “What do you mean, Matthew. You could never let your dad down.”

Matthew shakes his head, “If you’re sad, and you’re crying at night, then I let him down. He,” he looks down at the stone in his hand, “he told me to take care of you. To make sure you were okay.”

Nora pulls him up onto her lap, “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” She takes his face in her hands and brushes the tears off his cheeks with her thumbs, “You’re not doing anything wrong, sweetie. You’ve taken great care of me; just like your dad asked you to. You’re the best little boy in the world and I promise you, after today, no more crying.” She holds out her hand, “Deal?”

Matthew places his hand in hers and smiles through the few tears that have escaped, “Deal.” He looks down at the stone once again and then back up at his mother, “Can we go back to Rachel’s now?” He asks, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand, “I miss daddy. I want to talk to him.”

Nora nods her head, “Rachel’s it is,” she says as she lifts him off her lap and stands up. She takes his hand and heads back to Rachel’s apartment.

At the same time, Rachel is sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine. She can’t get the last part of her conversation with Renee out of her mind, ‘It’s not up to us, darling. There’s nothing we can do for them now. They have to do it. They’re the only ones who can get past this fear and be honest with themselves and with each other. If they’re going to be together again, Rachel, it’s not going to happen until they face everything. Their feelings, their past, and every thing facing those things entail.” Rachel places the magazine down on the coffee table in front of her when she hears Nora’s key in the lock. She looks up at them and smiles, “Hey there you two. Did you have fun at the lake?”

Matthew looks over at his big sister and then back up at his mom, “I’m going to go call dad, okay?”

Nora looks down at him and smiles, “Sure, sweetie,” she says quietly, “I’m going to talk to Rachel for a few minutes.”

They watch Matthew run down the hallway, neither one of them speaking until they hear the door close. Rachel looks over at Nora, “So, what’s up?”

Nora nods, “Matthew misses his father. I think it might be time to head home. Do you mind? I mean if we decide to cut our visit short?”

Rachel reaches out and lays a hand on Nora’s arm, “Its okay mom. You’re right, it’s time. It’s time you stop running.”

At the same time back in Llanview Bo is lying on the couch in his office, his arm draped across his forehead; his eyes closed tight. He releases a moan when he hears a knock on the door, “What!,” he bellows, never opening his eyes or getting up off the couch.

“Sir, you have a call on line two,” Marcie says from the doorway, “It’s your father. He tried your cell…”

Bo sits up, grimacing at the pains shooting across his back, “Thank you, Marcie,” he says cutting her off. Marcie just nods and closes the door. Bo stands up and arches his back, trying to relieve the stiffness. He walks over and picks up the phone, “Pa…” he says, releasing a sigh. “Alright, I’ll be right there.”

Bo opens the closet in the corner of his office and pulls out a clean, unwrinkled shirt. He grabs the small bag and heads down the hallway towards the locker rooms. Twenty minutes later he’s walking out of the station, looking more like himself than he has in weeks, even if he didn’t feel like it.

He arrives at Asa and Renee’s a few minutes later, a few officers in a patrol car behind him. Bo opens the door and walks into the living room, followed by the officers. Asa stands up, “What took you so long?” he raises his hands, “Never mind that’s not important,” he hands Bo a document, “That’s a court order signed by Judge Brooks, kicking these two interlopers out of MY house,” he says pointing at Todd and Blair. “I want them and their spawn removed from my home, NOW!.”

Bo looks over the document and motions to the officers, “Out Manning,” Bo says, “We’ll have your stuff sent to you.” Ten minutes later, after the insults and threats were issued; Bo and Asa were sitting on the couch, smoking cigars and enjoying a glass of bourbon. Bo looks over at Asa and smiles, “Well that was fun. I haven’t had that much fun on the job in a while.”

Asa leans forward and takes a slow sip of his drink before speaking, “You, my son haven’t been having any fun for a long time. I’d say you haven’t had any fun in almost six years.”

Bo leans his head back with a sigh, “Don’t start, Pa. Nora and I…”

“Are just friends, yeah yeah, I’ve heard that one over and over again for the past few months. Give it up son and stop running.”

~*~

Nora looks down the hallway before walking further into the living room, “I’m not running, Rikki.”

“Yes you are mama,” Rachel says before Nora could say anymore, “You’re running from your past, running from your feelings…you’re running from Bo.”

“Rachel…”

“Don’t try to deny it mama. I’ve seen it. Matthew’s seen it, although he has no idea what’s going on, except that you’re sad.”

Nora crosses her arms in front of her, “Are you done?” she says with a half smile, “because if you are I’d like to finish my original thought.” Rachel sits down and pretends to zip her lips. Nora smiles and walks over and sits down beside her, “When I said I wasn’t running, what I meant was, I’m not running anymore. I can’t. I have to face what’s going on between Bo and me. After we were trapped together in that freezer, hell even before that, when we were stuck together after the Fourth of July with that bacterial infection, I knew. I knew there was something going on. Well no, that’s not entirely true. I’ve known deep down that something’s been changing between us for a while now.”

“Then why did you pack your bags and run to Chicago instead of facing what’s going on? I’ve never known you to be a coward, mama.”

“I “ran” as you keep putting it because I knew that if I spent another moment, another second in his office that afternoon I was going to lose it, and I couldn’t do that. I had to get away from everything in Llanview. I had to leave it all behind, even if just for a month. I had to get away from Daniel, from work, and from Bo.”

“So that’s why you only made it twenty minutes out of town that day, turned around and left Daniel waiting at the shore?”

She looks down at her hands resting in her lap, and than at Rachel, “I couldn’t go through with it. I had been telling myself for weeks that it was just a weekend to the shore, no big deal, but deep down I knew what Daniel wanted. He wanted us to move to the next level, become serious, and I’m not looking for that,” she looks back down at her hands; twisting the ring that’s on her right hand, “well not with Daniel anyway.” She adds quietly.

Rachel begins to say something but stops when Matthew walks in the room, “Hey there little man; did you get a hold of your dad?”

Matthew sits down on the other couch, “Yeah, he was over at granpa’s. He says he misses me and wants to take me fishing one more time before school starts.”

Nora stands up and sits down beside him, “How about this…how about you go run in your room and pack your stuff and I’ll go call the airlines and see if we can get a flight out of here tonight and surprise your dad?”

~*~

Bo walks into the garret and looks around the dimly lit living room. He hadn’t been here in almost a week, but he needed a few things before heading back to the office. He walks past the guest room, turning around and stopping in the doorway. He reaches into the room and turns on the light. He looks around the room at the few posters hanging on the wall, the collection of toys that Matthew has already begun to accumulate in the room. God he missed his little boy. He turns off the light and walks down to his room to get the few things he came for. Ten minutes later he’s on his way back to the station and another all nighter in his office, avoiding the things that being alone in the dark bring up.

~*~

Nora walks back into the living room, her cell phone perched between her ear and her shoulder, “Yes, thank you. That flight will be perfect.” She ends her call and sits down on the couch beside Rachel, “Our flight is scheduled and we’ll be back in Llanview by dinner time.”

“Bo will be glad you’re back.”

Nora looks over at Rachel, “Let’s just take one day at a time okay, Rachel. I don’t want Matthew getting his hopes up when things may never change between Bo and me.”

Rachel nods and lays her hand on Nora’s, “I’m not going to say another word about it mama, but if I was the gambling kind, I’d bet on true love,” she adds with a wink before standing up and walking out of the room.

Nora leans her head back on the couch, “True love,” she whispers with a sigh. She shakes her head and stands up, heading off to pack.

~*~

Bo closes the file and looks up when he hears a knock on his door, “Come in,” a smile spreads across his face, disappearing quickly when he sees the look on her face. He stands up and walks around to the other side of the desk, “Renee, what’s wrong?”

She looks at him, the tears welling up in her dazed eyes, “There was blood…broken sculpture,” she looks down at her wedding ring and back up at Bo, “I can’t find Asa, Bo…he’s…he’s gone…”

TBC….